there is hope...

For the first time after almost two weeks, the sun has shone.

The southwest monsoon has hit my beloved country with violent rains that most part of Luzon became submerged in floods. It was almost a repeat of Typhoon Ondoy in 2009.

But this afternoon, the sun peeped through the dark clouds. As if saying, "Hello, you may not always see me, but I am always here..."

It made me think about and realize one thing. That there is hope. Always.

And like the sun finally shining, I will be, too.

part 4: what happened to me?

What ever happened to me? I got busy. Period. Forgive me, please (eyes ala Puss in Boots)!

It will be hard for me to back track from May of last year up to present, but I will be trying my best to recall the best moments of year 2011.

1. I received a lot of birthday greetings last year, I think I have received more than a hundred from Facebook alone! Rian had a fever, so aside from having Kool-Fever sticked to his forehead, nothing was extraordinary. I got a nice gift from Irvin, though - a Merrell sandals!

happy birthday, nanay!

2. Summer outing at Tanza Oasis!

3. Family day at Tagaytay :)

4. Rian's 1st Birthday! From sesame seed to a little boy, my baby is growing up so fast. From a helpless infant to a dancing toddler during his birthday, I still can't believe that this little brat brought me pain, but even more joy!

happy birthday, baby!

We had the birthday party a day after his birthday. Suppliers include: Max's Restaurant for the food, venue, party needs; Leyo, Rian's ninong, for the ticket invite and souvenir magnet layout; Jorene, a colleague, for the ticket invites and souvenir magnet; and K Snaps by Kathy for the photo coverage. Our matching Ferrari shirts are from Divilandia :) and our matching Converse Chuck Taylor are from SM hehehe! Mine and Irvin's Chucks have been with us for, I think, five years already. Rian's Chucks is a gift from Nanay, Lola Norma.

photos by K Snaps

5. Leng's balikbayan! Sonya's Garden + Army Navy = happiness!

i love these girls!

a note to myself

I've been wanting...okay, that was an understatement...I've been desperately wanting to write. Write something, write anything, I tell myself. But I don't know, I just can't find the time to do it.

Of course I won't find time to write while at the office. My default status is busy and that holds true. True that I have sneaked some time to browse the web but it's mainly to check my personal mail and transfer funds or pay bills via BPI Express Online.

At home, I spend most of my time with Rian, scribbling with him and pointing to picture board books and singing with Steve and Blue or dancing with Barney. If he seems too busy to throw me a glance, I'd open my Facebook account to upload photos for my parents and my sister's family to see. Or read a book. Or watch a basketball game with Irvin.

Of hurried meals and missed night prayers, how can I find time to write?

But I realized, I am a writer, not only of this blog, but of the script of my life. I am THE writer and the best part of this is I get to choose what happens to me. So for now, yes that I do not like not being able to write a decent blog post because of work and of being a mom. But one day, I will be able to pick myself up, make a little spare time and gear up to my plans.

salamat tatay at nanay!

Nasa Tagaytay kami nang matanggap nyo ang mahiwagang envelope. Luha ni Tatay ang sumalubong sa akin pag-uwi ko. Hindi ko alam kung good o bad news ba ang pagkaka-approve sa visa nyo. Ang alam ko lang noon, excited ako para sa inyo at sa mga ipapadala kay Ate. May takot at lungkot pero hindi ko muna inintindi.


Ngayon, magdadalawang buwan na ang nakalipas mula ng lumipad kayo papuntang Canada, naaalala ko pa ang pag-aasikaso ko ng passport, visa, plane ticket at bagahe nyo. DFA, Canadian Embassy, SM, Divisoria. Naaalala ko pa ang mga baon nyo. Naalala ko pa ang sulat na ginawa ko para masamahan kayo hanggang sa pag-check-in sa airport. Naaalala ko pa ang mga habilin nyo.


At naaalala ko pa ang sinabi ni Nanay bago umalis sa bahay, "Hindi ko alam kung tama ang gagawin namin..." sabay tulo ng luha.


Masyado pang maaga, pero para sa akin, kung para sa ikabubuti ng anak, walang gagawing mali ang magulang.


Apat na taon na ang nakalipas mula ng umalis sila Ate. Tatlo na ang anak nya noon, pero nasa tiyan pa niya ang isa. Tatlong taon ang panganay nya at anim na buwan ang sumunod. Ngayon, muli kayong nagkita-kita. Nai-imagine ko, puno na ang iyakan at tawanan sa airport nang salubungin nyo sila.


Ako, ilang gabing umiiyak bago at pagkatapos nyong umalis. Maraming pagkakataon na iniisip ko na sana boses ulit ni Tatay ang nagpapatulog kay Rian o kamay ni Nanay ang nagpapaligo kay Rian, na sana si Tatay ang naglilinis ng bahay o si Nanay ang nagluluto, na sana pwede pa akong matulog ng mas matagal o mag-ubos ng oras sa pag-i-internet.



Pero siyempre, tuloy ang buhay, move on lang ng move on. Hanggang sa...


Ngayon, Tatay at Nanay, nagpapasalamat ako dahil iniwan nyo ako.


Dahil kung hindi nyo ako iniwan, hindi magiging exciting ang bawat Sabado morning ko. Dahil kaming dalawa lang ni Rian ang magkasama, kailangan kong maghanda ng almusal ni Irvin, makisayaw kay Rian sa Hi-5, patulugin si Rian para sa kanyang morning nap, makisayaw kay Rian sa Showtime at maghanda ng disenteng tanghalian.


Dahil kung hindi nyo ako iniwan, hindi ako matututong mag-research ng recipes, mag-grocery, ma-pressure habang nasa harap ng kalan, magluto ng chicken fillet in garlic cream sauce, pork bistek, beef mechado at beef with mushroom. At higit sa lahat, hindi masasabi sa akin ni Irvin na, "Masarap ka palang magluto!"


Dahil kung hindi nyo ako iniwan, hindi ko matututuhang maging independent kahit dalawang araw lang sa loob ng isang linggo.


Dahil kung hindi nyo ako iniwan, kahati ko kayo sa oras ni Rian. Ngayon solong-solo ko siya, hehehe!


Alam ko na ang dahilan ng pag-alis nyo ay para sa ikabubuti ni Ate, pero hindi sinasadya, para sa ikabubuti ko din pala.

Dahil higit sa pagiging anak, magulang din ako...na ngayon ay ramdam na ramdam ko.

photo journal: gold

part 3: what happened to me?

Gosh, it has been ages since my last post. In fact, my baby has not crossed the 1-year old mark when I wrote a post on Father's Day. Now, he's 4 months over that mark! (And still very charming :)!)

7. We celebrated Ate Sette's birthday at Nuvali, Sta. Rosa, Laguna last March 26. Late lunch at Conti's, fish feeding, and boating. Passed by Paseo de Sta. Rosa and made a stop at Giligan's Summit Ridge in Tagaytay for dinner.

all boys

waiting to be seated

rian's menu

busog!

day-off :)

boating!

plakda na ang hyper.

8. We celebrated Nanay's April 1 birthday last April 3 at Tagaytay :)


they also celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary last April 14!

9. Meet-up with my Chevron friends last May 30. Thai food + dessert! Indeed, food is one of our friendship's foundation.



at jatujak

happy father's day!

Totoo pala na kapag naging magulang ka, mas pahahalagahan mo ang mga magulang mo.

Sa pinakadakilang ama na nagsunog ng kilay at nagsikap maibigay sa mga anak ang mga bagay na hindi siya nagkaroon.

Sa pinakadakilang lolo na sa halip na magpahinga ay nag-aalaga ng apo para makatulong sa anak.

Maligayang Araw ng mga Ama, Tatay. Sana po alam nyo kung gaano ko pinahahalagahan ang lahat ng sakripisyo nyo para sa amin.

part 2: what happened to me?

4. January 22. It’s my mother-in-law’s birthday celebration! The Estacions had late lunch at Trinity Restaurant at Seaside (at the back of SM Mall of Asia). I was not feeling well, so no more side trips.

mi cutie bebe

happy birthday lola!

5. As mentioned in # 4, I was not feeling well that day. I was shivering and my temperature started to rise. That night, I had a high-grade fever rising up to 40.2 degrees Celsius. I had to be isolated. My fever went on and off for days.


I was already two days absent so when I thought I’m already okay, I decided to go to work. I consulted our company doctor and she noticed the rashes in my arms. I was advised to go home and to take a blood test.


When Irvin went home from work, he immediately decided to take me to the hospital after seeing the rashes. So we went to the emergency room, took some tests and waited for the results. My platelet count was low but it was still within the normal range. My white blood cell count was surprisingly low. I had to be admitted to be sure about what my condition is.


Blood samples were taken regularly and a blot test confirmed it. I was victimized by dengue.


Luckily, my platelet count did not drop much. Slowly, it rose every time blood samples were taken.


After 3 days at the hospital, of not going to work and of missing Rian, I was discharged. Yey!


6. February 17. Rian had a slight fever in the afternoon. He was still high spirited when we picked him up that night.


At around 11 PM, Irvin and I were about to sleep when Irvin noticed that Rian was shaky. He was shivering but there were no other signs of fever. We noticed that he was pale too. Irvin rushed to Ate Sette’s room to ask what could be the cause. When we took his temperature, he was 38.5 degrees Celsius. But after a few minutes, I took his temperature and it was over 40 degrees Celsius. He threw up and we were already in a panicky mode. I immediately packed some of Rian’s things, got my wallet and cellphone. We were off to the hospital.


It was around midnight when we arrived at the emergency room. The fever already subsided. But we still needed to get urine and blood sample. The nurses checked on Rian’s diaper to see if urine sample has already been collected (through a small plastic with a rubber ring, something like that). We already decided to bring Rian home and just bring the urine sample once it was collected but fortunately, he urinated while we were in the hospital. The urine test showed a high level of infection in his urine. He had to be admitted.


I was not agreeable to Rian being admitted. He’s being overly active will not permit the IV to stay on its proper place under his skin. So I called up my friend, Rian’s godmother, Dra. Avilla, I mean Ivy, to discuss the situation with her. She explained to me that UTI is common to infants, boys and girls, and that admission is necessary because oral antibiotics won’t work as effectively as those to be given via IV. Okay then, Rian was admitted.


The decision is tough but what came next is way much tougher. Since Rian will be admitted, the IV has to be inserted. First the ER nurse, then another ER nurse, then the head nurse-on-duty, then the ER doctor, then another nurse. All of them tried to insert the IV either on Rian’s left hand or right hand or left foot or right foot. None of them had successfully done it.


Two hours of trying to insert the IV and Rian’s non-stop crying, our hearts were already breaking. I had to assist the nurse everytime the IV is inserted, my tears falling while telling Rian it’s not painful and that it will be over soon. We begged the nurses to put off putting the IV until the morning. They called up the doctor and they agreed.


Rian was exhausted, and so were we.


Rian’s pediatrician was not available. The reliever doctor came and explained the situation to us. He inserted the IV, with no hassle. Great! We learned that finding blood vessels is difficult if a person has just vomited.

Rian stayed in the hospital until Monday. We missed Kishie’s 5th birthday party, but the best thing was that he recovered. Thank God!

photo journal: starbucks moment

happy mother's day!

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty (A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Lately, my posts have been all about me being a mother. But behind my mother role is an equally important character...a daughter.

Nanay, thank you for the life and the sacrifices you have to make to help me be who I am today. I am so proud to be your daughter.



part 1: what happened to me?

It has been a while since my last decent post. I must say I missed blogging too. There has been a lot going on in my life now, and about 90% of my time is attributed to work and motherhood. I wanted to share so much of my experiences, happy and sad, but I just don't have the time.

No, I'm not ranting. Work gives me financial stability. And motherhood, it gives me the strength to fight life's daily battles. You know, at times, I wanted to quit my job and pursue my other dreams but I guess it's maternal instinct that says "Stop. Stay." I am not willing to sacrifice instability, at least not yet.

So, what really happened to me in the past few months of not blogging?

1. My good friend Agnes got married last December! Although our friend Sarah was not able to return to Philippines and attend her wedding, it was still good to have Mhay and Leng with us. I was not part of the entourage, but I was the commentator during the nuptial mass.

me and irvin

another one said "i do!"

Congratulations, Agnes and Tristan!

2. My first Christmas with my new work.

finance christmas party

finance exchange gift

ad christmas party

3. Meet-up with balikbayan friends. Mhay and Leng went home in time for Agnes' wedding and the Christmas season :)

dinner @ malens

mhay's signature wacky pose

AMA_E

rian meets titas!

a letter to rian

April 23, 2011

Dear Rian,

As I watch you sleep, reality sets in. You have grown so big that my arms get stiff when carrying you for a few minutes. You used to be the size of a sesame seed inside my belly. You were 3.5 kilograms when you entered the world, but now you are nearing 9. The smallest shirts used to hang in your tiny body, but now you are already size 4. Time flies really fast.


Before, I could leave you for a few minutes knowing you’ll be safe being sandwiched by two small bolsters. Now I could not leave you for a split second because before I know it, you have already gone from the center to the edge of the bed.


You have grown, and so is your world.


Tatay and I used to be your world. But now you have Lolo Ely and Lola Norma, Lolo Rey and Lola Tess, Tita Ninang and Tito Ninongs, Ate Kishie, and a whole lot more people on the street, in the neighbourhood. They are all trying to get your attention and your sweet smile.


Lolo Ely always says you are luckiest kid because you are loved by so many people. As I see it, it’s so true.


But sometimes I feel hurt when you would rather be picked up by someone else other than me. Sometimes I feel hurt when other people can make you laugh when I can’t. Sometimes I cry when I can’t offer you the comfort you need.


And then reality bites. Your world has expanded and you need to be loved by others, too.


I feel guilty because for a moment, I have been selfish.


Like Tatay discovering his newfound interest with his bike, travelling to places where I can’t go and bonding with new friends, you will be like him one day. You will discover the big world you’re in. You will learn about games and nursery rhymes. You will look for playmates and peers.

I can’t give you all the happiness you need. At times, you will be on your own. And I have to let you go.


Just like a mother eagle teaching baby eagle to fly, I need to prepare your wings so that you could soar up in the sky. By then, you will see me smiling, perhaps with a few tears of joy.


I know it’s way too early to be thinking about this now. You have just started standing on your own. You have just started babbling and saying things only you can understand. But as I said, time flies really fast. You’ll be all grown up one day, ready to be circumcised and ashamed to be kissed by me in front of your friends. I am taking this chance to tell you things as serious as this.


I love you, my forever baby. When things get tough for me, I always think about your rare smile and everything seem to be falling into place again.


Love,
Nanay

P.S. Here's a picture of us taken during Tita Ninang's birthday celebration. You are about 9 months and you are absolutely charming.

father and son

This is my favorite father-and-son picture of Irvin and Rian. So cute! Are they talking about me? :)

new year, new profile

Surprise, surprise! I'm alive! (I think I'll explain my absence when I have more time to write a more decent entry.)

Noticed? I've trashed my old profile and created a short one. Well, it's not that the former is no longer applicable, everything detail still applies! I just felt I needed to simplify it.

So I'm saying goodbye to my 3-year old narrative...

"i am a part of generation y, having the same birthday as nora aunor and julie vega. my parents waited for 11 years to see their 1st born, my ate eli, who is currently residing in canada with her family. 77 months after, i was born. i had been a "straight" student when i was schooling. i met the "man in my future" during my college days. my shoe size is 7 and my vital statistics are never mind. i love being in the water even if i do not know how to swim. i enjoy videoke. i like dark chocolate and truffles. i believe i am not kikay, vain nor OC. my soulmate is my mother. even if i have been working in makati for 4 years, i still am very probinsiyana. i like weekends. i cry and laugh a lot. i think, my husband is the most adorable person in the world. i always try to look at the brighter side of life. i think, my friends consider me a clown more than a friend. above all, i am an affectionate daughter, a concerned sister and tita, a loyal friend and a thoughtful wife. at the left of my monitor is a simple reminder: life is beautiful. dance like no one is watching. love like you will never get hurt. sing like no one is listening. live like it’s heaven on earth. enjoy this day."

goodbye 2010

It's been a while since my last post. And you know what, sometimes I wonder if I would ever get back to writing again.

Obviously, writing (or in this case, blogging) has to take a backseat when I gave birth six months ago.

I planned to have a year-end goodbye note but motherhood and employment barred me from writing a decent entry. And so here I am now, blogging at 2 AM of January 1 while patting Rian in between paragraphs.

2010 is a wonderful year for me because halfway through the year, God sent me an angel named Rian. But His sending has a twist, because instead of this angel watching over me, it becomes the other way around :)

One of the biggest realizations I made this year is that giving birth does not make one a mother. Motherhood springs from the sacrifices, big or small, that one undertakes to prepare her child for physical, psychological and spiritual growth.

But while 2010 had been wonderful to me, I will not deny that this is also one of the roughest years I had. I bedrested in January because of early contractions. My father suffered from mild stroke in April. Rian was hospitalized for a week when he was only one-week old. I resigned from my work in Makati and transferred to Cavite in September. With these are the pressures of my new work and the demands of motherhood.

I was physically exhausted, emotionally stressed and financially challenged.

And that is why I am so looking forward to 2011. New year, new hope. Better attitude, better life.

2010, a year that was. Happy moments I will always cherish - out-of-towns, meeting up with old friends and making new ones, "everyday is a family day" policy. Sad moments I will always remember. And you might probably wonder why. Well, sad moments help me reminisce the lessons of the past and make me grateful for what I have right now.

So there, I am officially bidding 2010 goodbye, with a wide smile on my face.

lennon at 70

Found these adorable Google icons while browsing:

My husband is an avid John Lennon fan. One reason why we chose a "John" version for our son's name (Eian is the Irish form of John).

Happy birthday, John Lennon.

http://flashbacksrecordrack.com/?tag=the-john-lennon-signature-box-set

a goodbye

July 3, 2006. Coming from a 3 1/2-year stay at an auditing firm, I felt like a butterfly struggling out of its cocoon. I can still remember my first day at C. I walked the corridors of the 33rd floor with a tote bag bearing a copy of my resume and the usual girl stuff. I walked with fear in my mind, but with a renewed hope in my heart.

Long ago, I dreamt of working in an international organization where people from anywhere in the world would easily recognize. It came true when I worked for C.

Everything is in perfect order, I must say. Career wise, I believe I have placed myself in a secured position. I am continuously learning new things, gaining new knowledge. And best of all, along with my dream coming true, I have got myself a set of crazy yet reliable people I call friends.

Then, that one tough decision. To my surprise, I did not realize what I am willing to give up to fulfill my dream of becoming a somewhat-devoted mother. I decided to leave C.

September 14, 2010. 4 years, 2 months and 11 days. I felt like a caterpillar building my own cocoon. I will always remember my last day at C. I walked the corridors of 38th floor with tears in my eyes and a box bearing a collection of happy and sad memories. I walked with fear in my mind, but with a renewed hope in my heart.

photo journal: hand in hand

remus eian: the birth story

Bawat nanay, may kanya-kanyang kwento tungkol sa pagbubuntis at panganganak sa bawat anak nya. Ako, siyempre, meron din (nanay na din ako e!).

2 weeks before my due date, nag-leave na ako sa trabaho. Kung ako ang tatanungin, gusto ko pa sanang pumasok dahil workaholic ako e...joke, dahil kaya ko pa naman. Pero dahil sa dami ng nagsasabi sa akin ng: Huh? Ba't nandito ka pa, Elay? Dapat mag-leave ka na at baka abutin ka dito...nakakarindi na din. Bakit ba kasi marunong pa sila sa akin?! Hehehe! At si Irvin, natatakot na din na abutin ako sa Makati ng pagsakit ng tiyan, baka dalhin ako sa Makati Med e siguradong hindi lang labor at delivery room ang pagbabayaran namin doon, baka ma-ICU pa ako sa mahal ng bill. Alam ko naman na hindi katulad sa mga movies na tipong laging emergency ang panganganak at nagbilin na ako sa officemate ko (na may kotse) na iuwi nya ako sa Cavite kung kakailanganin ng pagkakataon. Pero sige na nga, pagbigyan na sila, huwag lang na may pagsisihan pa o sisihin pa ako later on.

Ano'ng ginawa ko sa 2 weeks? Matulog, magbasa, mag-internet, mag-elliptical at maglakad sa SM Rosario, SM Bacoor at MOA. Sa bawat check-up, inaabangan ko kung ilang cm na ako, only to find out na hindi pa pala open ang cervix ko at mataas pa siya. Araw-araw ang mental torture at gabi-gabi ang puyat.

Dumating si due date, wala pang senyales na lalabas na siya kaya in-"strip" na ako (ito 'yung io-open ang cervix). Ayun, 1 cm na. Dapat daw magtuluy-tuloy na. Nagbilin na si Doktora ng mga warning signs at to do's. This is it na yata talaga.

July 1. 4 days past my due date. Maaga akong nagising, pero nothing extraordinary. Nagsawa na kasi ako sa pagtatanong ng "Is today the day?" kaya handa na ako sa "just another day". Kakaalis lang ni Irvin at nakahiga pa ako. Around 8 am, I thought I heard a "popping" sound tapos biglang may lumabas sa akin. Dali-dali akong kumuha ng sanitary napkin at nagtakbo sa banyo. (Pasintabi po: medyo graphic ang description.) My sticky discharge with streak of blood sa underwear ko. Hmmm...so...ahm...okey, pwede bang mag-panic muna? Hehehe, joke! Paglabas ng banyo, nakasalubong ko si MIL at sinabi ko na parang pumutok na ang water bag ko (hindi ako sure e). Nagtext ako sa officemate ko. Pinauwi ko si Irvin (na kadarating lang sa office). Tinawagan ko si Nanay. Pumasok ako ng kwarto, huminga ng malalim, nagdasal, naghanap ng magandang underwear (as advised by my officemate) at damit, naligo, nagbihis. Dumating na si Irvin na mukhang mas ngarag pa kaysa sa akin. Tinawagan ko si Doktora at pinapunta na nya ako sa ospital.

Dahil hindi pa ako nagbe-breakfast, nag-drive thru muna kami sa McDo. (Aba, siyempre, hindi ko sure kung kelan ang next meal ko kaya pagkain ang inuna ko!) On the way to the hospital, nagtext na ako sa mga dapat i-text. Nakausap ko din 'yung friend ko na doctor.

Past 10 ng dumating kami sa ospital. Dahil kalmado naman ako ay nakuha ko pang ilahad ang pangyayari nu'ng umagang 'yun (except 'yung McDo, baka mainggit pa sila e).Ini-stress ko na hindi madami 'yung lumabas sa akin kaya hindi ko sigurado na pumutok na ang water bag ko. In-IE ako nu'ng doktor sa ER. May water pa naman sa water bag ko at 2-3 cm pa lang ang opening ng cervix ko. (2-3 cm pa lang ako? What the?! The day before ay nanggaling pa ako sa 1-day sale for SM Advantage cardholders at halos 3 times kong nilibot ang buong SM Bacoor, tapos 1 cm lang ang nadagdag?!) Nilagyan na ako ng dextrose at pampahilab (oxytocin), pinagsuot na ako ng hospital gown at adult diapers, at dahil hihintayin pa ang dilation ng cervix ko, pinadala muna ako sa private room.

So ayan, okey pa naman. Bihira lang ang contractions at hindi naman ako nasasaktan. Nu'ng una, hindi ako pinaglalakad dahil nga pumutok na ang water bag ko. Pero later on, pinaglakad na din ako dahil hindi pa naman pala talagang pumutok, nag-leak lang. From time to time ay may pumupuntang nurses (and nursing students) para i-check ako (at pag-aralan). Uy mabait ako ha, very accomodating ako sa kanila. Dumating ang nanay at tatay ko kaya umalis muna si Irvin para bumili ng mga kailangan pa like Wilkins at S-26 (infant formula). At dahil mukhang hindi pa naman ako manganganak, umuwi muna sila. Dumating din si MIL with Kishie, pero umuwi din after a few hours. Binisita na din ako ni Doktora.

Lumilipas ang oras, unti-unti kong nararamdaman ang sakit ng contractions. How do I describe it ba? Hmmm...ang masasabi ko lang ay...it's indescribable :) Basta ang natatandaan ko, sakit ng likod ang inirereklamo ko, 'yung parang super ngalay na gusto kong dumapa at padaganan ang likod ko.

At 3 PM, in-IE ulit ako. Ang nasa isip ko, "Nasa 5-6 cm na siguro ako." But guess what? (O guess muna ha!) 3 cm pa lang ako! Pffft! Mabagal nga daw ang progress ng labor ko :( So ayun, sige lang. Tik-tak. Tik-tak. Tik-tak. Toe. :P

At 5 PM, biglang may sudden gush of wetness. Pumutok na ang water bag ko (totoo na ito this time). At simula noon, naging mas malimit (although irregular ang interval) at mas masakit ang contractions. Dumating si Nanay at sila ni Irvin ang naging saksi ng kung anuman ang pinagdaanan ko ng gabing 'yon. Ang smiles, unti-unting napalitan ng aray. Ang jokes, unti-unting napalitan ng luha.

Hindi ko alam pero nabibilisan ako sa oras ng panahong 'yon.

Unti-unting nag-progress ang labor ko. At 8 PM, nasa 7-8 cm na ako. And at 9 PM, dahil nasa 8 cm na ako, ipinasya nang dalhin ako sa labor room. (Ni-remind ko si Irvin na huwag kalimutan ang camera. Mahalaga 'yun.) Pinagtulung-tulungan akong buhat-buhatin at ilipat-lipat ng kama ng tatlong tauhan ng ospital. Pagdating sa labor room, isang nurse lang ang naroon kaya nag-chikahan na lang kami. Tinuruan nya ako ng breathing techniques at nagtanong-tanong ako about sa mga karanasan nya sa mga nagle-labor sa kwartong 'yon. Tinatawag ko siya tuwing may contractions dahil kailangan nyang makuha ang interval at duration. Maya-maya ay dumating na si Doktora, in-advise nya ako na by 11 PM ay over and done na ang lahat ng paghihirap ko dahil by that time ay 10 CM na ako (fully dilated) dahil ang average is 1 hour ang dilation per cm.

Masasabi kong ang next 2 hours na ang pinakamahirap na physical pain na naranasan ko sa buong buhay ko. Proud ako na naging kalmado ako ng mga oras na 'yon, hindi ako nagtatatarang o nagwala katulad ng mga nasa movies. Nakakahiya kaya! Hehehe! In between contractions ay sinusubukan kong kalimutan ang pinagdadaanan ko sa pamamagitan ng pahinga at pakikipag-usap kay Doktora (sinabi ko sa kanya na naghihintay na ang mga chocolates ko sa akin at ang plano kong magpa-massage after). Lumipas ang oras, ilang dasal at ilang IE. Tinanong ako ni Doktora kung gusto kong magpa-epidural (ito 'yung mararamdaman mo ang contractions, pero hindi ang pain), mas mahal lang daw. Hmmm...isip isip...tumanggi ako (tapang ko 'no?). Tumanggi ako dahil alam kong kakayanin ko pa, naka-8 CM na ako, ngayon pa ba naman ako bibitaw? (At lagi akong constipated kaya sanay na akong umire hahaha!)

10 PM...10:30 PM...11 PM. Nu'ng in-IE ako, walang progress, 8 CM pa din at nagsisimula na daw humaba ang ulo ng baby. Tinanong nya ako kung gusto ko na bang magpa-CS.

With hesitation, I agreed. Tinanggap ko na din na I failed. The one thing that I prayed for while I was pregnant ay 'yung hindi ako dumanas ng parehong labor at CS sa isang anakan. Pero okey lang 'yon dahil ayoko namang mag-take chances pa sa normal delivery dahil alam kong stressed din ang baby sa loob.

Ipinatawag ni Doktora si Irvin na nasa labas lang ng labor room. Inilahad ang mga pangyayari (parang sa korte) at sinabi din na it might be time para sa CS operation. Nakikinig naman si Irvin at nag-agree na din siya (with hesitation din). Hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang pinagsasasabi ko n'un, basta alam ko nakikipagbiruan pa ako kay Doktora. Sabi ni Doktora kay Irvin, "Ganyan lang 'yan pero tingnan mo kapag humilab, iba na ang iyak." Tila sinadya naman ng pagkakataon na humilab, habang naroon si Irvin! Uh-oh! Hindi ko alam kung paano ang iyak ko noon pero pinagtatawanan ako ni Irvin habang ginagaya nya ako ng ganito: Doktora, ayan na naman...AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Inihanda na ako sa operation, ipinatawag na ang anesthesiologist at ibinaba na ako sa delivery room. Natawa pa ako sa isang nagbuhat sa akin at nagtulak ng hospital bed. Nu'ng sinabi ko na "Kuya, dahan-dahan naman..." Sabi nya, "Aaaaay, hindi po ako kuya...ate po ako!" Susmaryosep, sorry girl! Hahaha!

Pagdating sa delivery room, inilipat ako ng bed at inihanda na para saksakan ng anesthesia. Dahil alam kong pwede naman akong gising during the operation, tinanong ko 'yung nurse kung ano 'yung isasaksak nya sa akin.

Me: Ahm...Nurse, ano 'yan?
Nurse: Sedative po.
Me: Ay, miss...gusto ko sana gising ako during the operation...
Nurse: Aantukin lang po kayo dito, pero hindi po kayo makakatulog.
Me: Ah okay.
(Hmmm...hindi ba kapag inaantok ka e gusto mong matulog?! Labo naman oh!)

Pumikit muna ako, nakakapagod kayang umire ng ilang oras 'no!

Sa pagmulat ng mata ko...

Me: Nurse, ano'ng oras na?
Nurse: 1:36 po.
Me: Tsk! Ano ba 'yan, inabot pa ako ng July 2!
Nurse: Ma'am, baby out na po ng 11:39.

Confused. Shocked. Sad. Pero tulog ulit.

My goodness, natapos na pala ang operation ng hindi ko man lang namalayan. Kasalanan nu'ng nurse, hindi daw ako makakatulog. E parang ilang seconds lang after nya ako saksakan e humihilik na ako.

Namalayan ko nu'ng dinala ako sa private room. Alam kong andun si Nanay, Tatay at Irvin. Sabi ni Irvin, ang kulit ko daw at ayaw kong pauwiin sila Nanay. Pero hindi ko 'yun matandaan. Ang natandaan ko ay nu'ng sinabi ni Nanay, with matching tears, na bayad na daw ako. (Di ba ganun daw, makakabayad lang ang anak sa magulang kapag nagkaanak na din siya.)

Maaga akong nagising. Siyempre in-announce ko na muna sa whole wide world that I am over and done sa delivery. I have received a lot of congratulations and well wishes.

The first time I saw him, sa mga kuha sa digicam, medyo disappointed ako. Pero inalala ko 'yung mga nabasa ko. Iba daw talaga ang itsura ng newborn. I have to see the real him.

Sadly, hindi pa pwedeng i-room in sa akin dahil I have to be able to move na...na hindi ko pa magawa dahil sa mga sakit sa buong katawan ko. Maghapon akong nakahilata. Isang pwesto lang. Ine-encourage ako ng mga nurse na gumalaw, not exactly maglakad, pero tumagilid-tagilid daw ako dapat. E ang sakit kaya! Sila kaya i-CS ko :P Tpos bawal pa kumain :( Kawawa naman 'yung mga chocolates ko sa ref. Bawal din magsalita para hindi kabagan. Parusa talaga. Pero minsan nakakalimutan ko na bawal magsalita. Dumalaw sila Agnes at Tan, Dinay at Gege, si Arvie, si Ate Andrea with Chloi, at mga in-laws ko, with Kishie.

Si Irvin pumupunta sa nursery para tingnan siya. At si Tatay, akala ko mahihimatay pa dahil napakagwapo daw ng apo nya, mas gwapo pa kay Cayon (pamangkin ko). Kaya ang tanong ko: Talaga? (Kasi super pogi ni Cayon nu'ng pinanganak e...nu'ng pinanganak lang hahaha!) Pagkakita nya, dali-daling umalis para sabihin kay Nanay at kay Ate.

That night, pinayagan akong kumain ng Skyflakes at tea.

Saturday ng mga 3 AM. Tinanong ng nurse kung nag-wiwi na ako dahil dapat pala by that time ay naka-wiwi na ako. So nu'ng oras ding 'yon, naging determined akong maglakad, with lots of encouragement at support kay Irvin kahit puyat na puyat pa siya. Grabe, parusa talaga. Mga 20 minutes ko ding kinarir ang pagpunta ng CR. Tinanong din ni nurse kung umutot at nag-poopoo na ako. 'Yan pala ang requirements para masabing okey na ako, at para mai-room-in na siya sa akin. So kinarir ko na naman pareho. After an hour, at ilang patagi-tagilid, nakautot na ako. (Yehey! Pwede na kumain, soft diet nga lang.) After another hour, nag-poopoo na ako. (Woot woot!)

As promised, dinala siya sa akin ng Saturday morning. (I remembered, that night, tinawag pa namin 'yung nurse dahil hindi namin mapatahan. Ilang minuto din akong nag-hum ng Silent Night bago na-pacify.)

My reaction? Hmmm...honestly, parang wala lang. Parang hindi ako makapaniwala na galing siya sa akin. Hanggang sa unti-unting nag-sink in sa akin. Eto na pala ang fruit of my labor, my own piglet, my little angel.

My Baby Rian.

I thank you, bow.

Haaay, salamat. Nai-publish din!

remus eian solis estacion

His birth story to be posted later (Nanay is still uber busy :)).