photo journal: crucifixion

Just in time for Lent...

the two sides of the story

I am kind of back to blogging and bloghopping. My head still aches whenever I am in front of the desktop or the laptop for long hours so I think I still need to rest from time to time (in fact, I started composing this post since last week). My out-of-office note says I am on "medical leave" eventhough I am officially on maternity leave. I just find it awkward and I don't like people asking me how is my baby when I come back on May.

I realized I have so many thoughts to share and people to thank.

Disclosures

Personally, I think I am recovering well - physically and emotionally. Well, except for the slight headaches I experience when using the computer or reading or PSP-ing for long hours, I don't feel any discomforts. I've already gone to Makati, Tagaytay and SM Bacoor and did a little shopping, working at the office and at home and ironing clothes. I am planning to do some briskwalking soon. My folks don't really approve of what I do, but since they know how hard it is for me to just sit down and do nothing, they let me do my thing and just remind me not to exhaust myself too much.

Losing a baby is not just frustrating, it is accompanied by a range of sentiments - shock, guilt, anguish and a sense of failure. I kept on blaming myself for what happened. I learned that not just because I feel okay means nothing is wrong. I worried about the announcement I made to family and friends just a few weeks before. I dealt with a lot of worries. I wondered why it happened to me while there are so many unplanned yet successful pregnancies. I felt I failed many people, most especially my family and my husband. My first, carefully planned pregnancy, was a letdown.

Gratefully, acceptance had not been an obscurity. Thanks to Irvin, and to my family and friends who gave me enough moral pillars where I can lean on.

I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, I may not know it yet, but I know there is a good rationale for this. I did not run away from pain, had myself feel it and then let it go. And as always, I believed that God has better plans for me than what I have for myself.

In just a few days, I can already let out a sincere, hearty laugh.

Hope has never eluded me, all those times.

Thankfulness

Your strength had been the constant reminder that we will survive the storms of life. The sadness in your eyes had been easily replaced with optimism and hope which you shared to me. For patiently standing by me, sacrificing hours of sleep and making me laugh even when the situations calls for some tears...thank you, Irvin.

For crying with me and reminding me the greatest lesson out of this experience, that is, to accept the things which I can't change...thank you, Nanay and Tatay. (As the Cow said in the movie Babe: The only way you'll find happiness is to accept that the way things are is the way things are.)

For the motherly/sisterly advice, the inspiring stories of those people you know who went through the same encounter, the desperate desire to travel halfway across the globe to be by my side, the old wives' tales on post-miscarriage (hahanginin daw ang ulo ko...scary, hehe!). I still cry when I read your text messages, and you should know, you made me cry the most...thank you, Ate.

For the effort you exerted in texting me and calling me (I know this is hard for you, hehe!), just to let me know if I'm okay, salamat friend and supposed-to-be Ninang, Dra. Ivy Avilla (and now you're back to deadma mode!).

I know that thanking you is not enough for your backing me up on my workload and your understanding and kind words, but still I thank you, JJ. You really are friendship defined.

For helping Irvin with my PhilHealth and SSS documents...thank you, Marie. (I remember what Irvin told me when he met you, JJ and Grace: Sobrang lungkot nga nila e, nahihiya nga ako kasi ako pa 'yung nakangiti...)

Your visit meant so much, thanks, Friendship Nes! And for sending me your sincere sympathy, thanks to my friends around the world - Mhay (Texas), Leng (Darwin), Sarah (Guam), Aleli and John (Riyadh), Geh (Cavite City, local lang ito) and Nonoy "The Jinx" (Dubai).

For the chikas which made me forget that I just had a miscarriage, thanks Hips!

For the sympathy, support and thoughtfulness: to my second family, the Estacions; to my OB, Dra. Jamir; to my Chevron colleagues (and text messaging and Facebook) - Ms. Cherie, Des, Karlo, Rocelle (Resource Person #1 on Spotting), Bell (Resource Person #2 on Spotting), Grace, Joy, Russ, Peewee and Debbie; to my blogging friends, Sol, Kathy and Memae; to Ate Beth and my Ate's in-laws for the visit; to my highschool berks Mavel and Arvie; to my college berks Debbie and Berna; and to all those whom I forgot to mention (hehehe!).

And thanks and praises to God who gave me the people I mentioned above, for without them, moving on will not be easy. You gave me the ultimate comfort, the greatest hope, and the heart to try again.

These are the two sides of my story: letting go and moving on.

Woohooo!

the weekend that was mar 21-22: overdue

Hinatid ako ni Tatay sa Tanza to spend my weekend with my in-laws. Tulog at TV lang ako nu'ng Sabado.


Boring pa din, hindi pa daw pwede gumalaw-galaw sa tag-araw! (Ooops, which reminded me...I like ABS-CBN's summer station ID!)

Nu'ng Sunday naman, follow-up check-up ko sa OB ko. Lifted na ang ban against chicken, egg at seafoods, yehey! And then she reminded me to rest well para na din preparation para sa next pregnancy ko. Three months pa daw, but I hope sooner sana. Hehehe! (Pasaway na naman!)

Question: Totoo ba ang binat? Does it have scientific basis or is it just an old wives' tale? Hehehe.

birthday tag from hips and memae

The Rules


1. Make a list of what you want for your birthday.
2. The list should be 10 numbers.
3. Include the image of this award on your post.
4. Give it to 10 friends of yours.


Got this tag from my Hifag Pau and Memae. Apologies for posting this just now, but better late than later, right? * wink *

I was born on May 21, 1982 and my birthday wishes are...hmmm...

1. Good health and more blessings for my family, my husband's family, my friends and my friends' families.
2. Plane tickets for my Ate's family in Canada (I miss them so much).
3. A baby on the way...hehehe! (Try and try...)
4. Another fruitful year for me at work.
5. Out-of-town and out-of-the-country trips (kahit tipid mode).
6. Digital SLR camera (why not?!) and laptop!
7. Cellphone (I think my almost 5-year old phone needs replacement, it's already in the Nokia archive...)!
8. More savings and less expenses.
9. Reunion with my SGV, college and highschool friends :)
10. And world peace. Bow.

I'm tagging JJ and Sol. (Sorry for breaking the rule but I don't have much blogging friends, hehe.)

edited: 04/04/2009 8:05 PM (mali ang numbering... :P)

the weekend that was mar 14-15: overdue

Matapos ang mga pangyayari, pahinga muna ako. I think I'm recovering well, although madalas e may slight headache kapag matagal akong nakaupo or nagpi-PSP or nagbabasa or nanonood ng TV. Basta kapag may naramdaman akong kakaiba, stop muna tapos higa sabay pikit ng mata. Hindi naman ako mahilig matulog kaya bored na bored ako, tsaka hindi din ako makakatulog sa init ng panahon ngayon. Summer na talaga.

Sa sobrang boring, wala akong maikwento tungkol sa walang kwenta kong weekend. Hehe. (Ang nakakatuwa lang ay kapag nag-request ako ng particular food, nasusunod!)

Ay, binisita pala ako ng mga in-laws ni Ate. Tapos sinundo na ko ni Irvin at ni Kishie. Umuwi muna ko for 2 days sa Tanza since naka-PL pa naman si Irvin.

the weekend that was mar 7-8: overdue

Since Thursday pa ako nag-i-spotting kaya rest muna today, nakahiga lang palagi. Sinundo ako ni Irvin para sa scheduled ultrasound ko. Earlier, I was texting my friend Ivy kung ano kayang ultrasound ang gagawin sa akin, and when she mentioned na transvaginal...kinabahan ako. I've heard that term before. Shocks!


So ayun na nga, first time ko magpa-ultrasound so medyo kinakabahan pa ako. Sabi nung OB, wala dw heartbeat ang baby and pinabalik nya ko next week para ma-check ulit. Wala naman siyang sinabing any precaution kaya nagpunta pa ko ng SM after, may ibibigay kasi si Irvin for Bake & Churn tapos ako naman, magpapa-develop ng pictures ng mga pamangkins ko. Tapos, Lotus Mall pa. Sigh.


Sunday. Nagpa-check up ako sa OB ko. Nakakalito dahil from 9 weeks e naging 6 weeks pa lang ako, from October 12 e naging November 2 ang due date ko. Ayos lang, ka-birthday ni Ely Buendia at ni Pinsan Mac. In-advise ako na mag-bedrest. Pag-uwi, sinabihan ko agad si TL about sa condition ko, and later, si JJ.


Guilty. Super.

happy birthday, nanay!

To my soulmate, my Nanay, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me

She takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
She never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more than the garder of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me

She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convinced, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you, but she's always a woman to me

She's Always A Woman To Me / Billy Joel