the dark days of my simple life

Forrest Gump's mom always say: Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get.

Indeed, life is full of surprises. And it surprised me three weeks ago.

I thought everything was okay with my pregnancy and I felt lucky not to have those annoying pregnancy discomforts. This was my announcement on my March 2 post. Three days after, I had some spotting which did not bother me since the spotting was just slight and I did not feel anything bad or weird. The spotting continued the next day (March 6, Friday), so I asked my mommy colleagues about the spotting and they advised me to call my OB and take a lot of rest. Heeding their advice, I called up my OB and she ask me to undergo ultrasound the next day. That night, I cancelled my plan for Saturday - to watch Eraserheads' The Final Set.

I went to my scheduled ultrasound and learned that my baby was small, estimated to be just six weeks old (I was already almost 9 weeks that time) with no heartbeat yet. I was sad. And confused. But full of hope.

I presented the result to my OB when I went for a check-up the next day. My due date was moved from October 12 to November 2. My OB explained my condition and suggested a week-long bedrest. She gave me medicine and reminded me to rest well for me to be able to save the baby. The coming week was supposed to be a very busy week for me, but with my baby's life on the line, I needed to take a break from work. I sighed and sent a text to my Team Leader. She immediately called me up and I told her my condition. Good thing, I already started my turnover to my colleague-friend JJ last week.

Monday was okay. I spent my whole day on the bed, standing up only to eat and to go to the toilet and the bathroom.

And then that fateful Tuesday.

I woke up early to pee and noticed that the spotting is not just slight and that there was a hint of blood. The spotting was heavy throughout the morning and around 11 AM onwards, there came a gush of blood whenever I pee. Cramps and lower back pain set on me. I asked Irvin to go home, I know he could do nothing about my situation but I just needed him by my side.

When I saw a lump of blood, that's when I sighed and told myself to accept the possibilities. I gave out a desperate cry, I saw my mother cry, too, and I noticed the sadness in Irvin's eyes. I called up my OB and told me to go to the hospital. Around 3 PM, at the hospital, I went through some laboratory tests and trans-v ultrasound. When my mother asked the sonologist about the baby's condition, she did not answer. I prepared myself for the bad news.

The doctor at the ER called up my OB and told her of the results. And then he broke the news to me.

I lost my baby.

My OB met me in a few minutes after, checked me up and explained to me the need for the procedure called D&C (dilation and curettage) to remove the remaining contents of the uterus. I was scheduled to undergo that procedure at 7:30 PM. While waiting, a flood of thoughts and emotions crowded me. Blank moments filled my being with sorrow so I always do something to busy myself - chat, text, chat, text.

I was brought to the OR at 7:30. The anesthesiologist said he will be giving me anesthesia to make me sleep and to make my lower extremities numb. I asked, "Doc, promise po, wala akong mararamdaman?" And then I dozed off.

I remember the doctors talking to me and me nodding "okay" to whatever they were saying. It was like a dream sequence, I was frantically wanting to wake up only to find myself being pulled to sleep whenever I try to open my eyes. I feared being not able to open my eyes again, I felt as if I will be falling into an ocean-deep slumber for a few years. They were pulling me out of the recovery room when I saw Irvin. And then, I dozed off again.

I woke up a couple of times during the night, but I really don't remember anything except for the numbness in the lower part of my body and Irvin on my side. I was fully awake by 2 AM. The anesthesia has already wore off.

Nanay and Tatay came in early to replace Irvin so he can do some errands needed for my hospitalization. Ate called me up that morning. My OB visited me. Irvin arrived at around 3 PM and arranged for my release papers. My MIL, with Kishie, and my friend Agnes visited me at home. My head was aching by the time I bid Agnes goodbye, I needed to rest.

Tomorrow's another day, I said as I put myself to sleep. Hopefully, a happy one.

no regrets

10 million fans. Only 100,000 will witness.

This is the tagline of Eraserhead's concert "The Final Set", the part two, and as Ely said, the last, of their reunion.

Eraserheads was 1990's most prominent band and for me, they were the ones who started the invasion of most rock bands of their time, giving a new sound to Pinoy rock. I was in highschool then, and just like most girls who giggles at the sight of their crushes, I was addicted to Ely and Eraserheads. I loved listening to their music (thanks to my sister for buying their albums), I loved buying songbooks, scribbling Ely's name on my notes. Yeah, very highschool-ish.

I love them. I am among the 10 million fans, which also includes my sister, my husband and a lot of friends.

And I was supposed to be among the 100,000 who will witness their final gig set last night, Saturday.

I had spotting since last Thursday, I was worried and much to my sadness, I backed out Friday night and told my good friend Agnes to sell my and my husband's tickets.

Saturday afternoon, I underwent trans-v ultrasound and found out that my baby has no heartbeat yet. It's not easy to receive news like that, you know. I mean, how can that happen? All this time, I thought I am perfectly carrying my baby well. Well, maybe it's just too early, or maybe baby is still too small to have his heartbeat be detected. I will be undergoing the same procedure again next week. And I am thinking positive, his heartbeat will be detected by that machine.

Saturday night until Sunday morning, I just rested, watched TV and ate. Agnes and I are currently exchanging text messages about the concert last night. Sigh.

No regrets, baby, just be okay.

pizza for...who?!

Super love namin ni Irvin ang Yellow Cab. Comfort food ko 'to usually kapag OT ako. Kapag sinundo ako ni Irvin after a hard day's work, we would sometimes dine at Yellow Cab Macapagal kahit na antok na antok na kami (mas mahalaga ang pagkain kesa sa tulog :P). Buti na lang 24-hours open 'yun. Standard order na namin ang isang 10-inch pizza at Charlie Chan pasta, Sola Lemon at Diet Coke (now Viva Mineral Water), walang palya.

This post reminded me of several times na ngwa-wonder kami bakit hindi ma-gets ng mga cashier ang pangalan ni Irvin. Mahirap ba? Ir-vin. I-r-v-i-n.

Situation # 1

Cashier: Sir, ano po'ng name nila?

Irvin: Irvin.

Cashier: Ano po ulit, sir?

Irvin: Irvin, Irvin po.

Cashier: Sorry, sir, ano po ulit?

Irvin: Ahm...Elay na lang.

(Teka, ako 'yun ah!)

Situation # 2

Cashier: Sir, ano po'ng name nila?
Irvin: Irvin.

Cashier issues receipt. Ang pangalan na nasa resibo: Ervin.

(Close enough.)

Situation # 3

Cashier: Sir, ano po'ng name nila?

Irvin: Irvin.
Cashier issues receipt. Ang pangalan na nasa resibo: Oervin.

(Complicated ang isip ni Ms. Cashier. Pero ang matindi nito, twice nangyari ito sa MAGKAIBANG branch - Tagaytay at Macapagal.)

Situation # 4

Cashier: Sir, ano po'ng name nila?
Irvin: Irvin.

Cashier issues receipt. Ang pangalan na nasa resibo: tingnan nyo na lang. (Circa 2006 pa 'yan.)

Minsan, sa inis ni Irvin gusto na nyang sabihin na ang pangalan nya ay EVERYONE para kapag tinawag na...

Pizza for EVERYONE!

Tingnan lang namin kung hindi kuyugin 'yang cashier na yan! *Grin*

the weekend that was feb 28-mar 1

Saturday. Maaga akong nagising para manood ng Salamat Dok, giving birth kasi ang topic. Hindi na ako sumama manood ng basketball game ni Irvin kasi naka-motor lang siya, nagpahatid na lang ako sa amin . Ayuuun, natalo tuloy sila (wala ang swerteng buntis e). Okey naman, normal Saturday lang. Ayos ng gamit, chat with Nanay, chat with Tatay, TV TV TV, PSP. Late na akong nakatulog, ang daldal kasi ni Nanay e.

Sunday. Gumising ulit ako ng maaga, miscarriages naman ang topic ngayon sa Salamat Dok. Chat with Ate (na nasa laundry room nila Ate Irene dahil doon lang maliwanag). After lunch na dumating si Irvin, mag-e-SM kasi kami dapat para bumili ng gift for Ate Lois' wedding this Tuesday. Kaso bigla ba namang humirit ng "Gusto mo sa Robinson's tayo bumili…Robinson's Tagaytay…"

And so here we are at our happy place again. Gusto ko sanang pumunta sa People's Park kaso delikado na daw kasi hapon na. Oh-kay. Our first stop, Pink Sisters - prayers and picturetaking. 2nd stop, Yellow Cab (kunyari nagke-crave ako ng Charlie Chan). Tapos tambay lang sa tabi-tabi. Kakaulan lang kaya super lamig. Haaay, magkakabahay din kami dito.

Why not?! Libre ang mangarap… :)

the weekend that was feb 21-23: overdue

Saturday. Nanood ulit ako ng game ni Irvin. Malas ang laro nya pero panalo pa din. Nakachikahan ko din si Cyril at ang story behind his brand new Lancer MX. Hinatid na ko ni Irvin. Kasal ngayon ni Pinsan Lito, preggy din ang misis nya. Actually, apat silang puro preggy ang mga partners (sayang, si Mac din sana). The usual Saturday ritual - plantsa, TV, PSP. (Nami-miss ko na din palang magbasa. Yes!, Cosmo at ung weekly pregnancy calendar na lang ang nababasa ko lately.)

Sunday. Chat with Ate and the kids. Uwi sa Tanza later that day. Gave Kishie her birthday gift - an Elmo dress (na hindi kasya) na binili namin last Friday sa MOA.

Monday. Wasn't feeling well that morning, hindi naman morning sickness. Nahilo lang siguro pagbangon. Since hindi pa naman nalo-load 'yung gagawin ko, I decided to take a leave. Nakakahiya lang kasi hindi planned, buti na lang pumayag si TL. Natulog ulit ako. Nagpa-set up ng laptop pagkagising. Nadala pala ni Ate ung cable kaya bumili pa si Irvin. Kaya lang, ayun lang, ayaw gumana ng smartbadge reader. Ilang beses ko ni-try, pati si Irvin nakisawsaw din. Wala! Nood na lang kami ng Oscars. Nanood din kami ng Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the nth time, pagkatapos patulugin si Kishie.

Nilagnat si Irvin after nyang maligo. Bakit kaya? Nagchi-chill siya nung gabi. Kaso ayaw nya naman ako palapitin sa kanya kasi baka mahawa ako :(

on my 8th week and...

I'm on my 8th week now and well, nasa deadma mode pa din ang baby ko, as in hindi nagpaparamdam. Minsan natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung normal ba ako (I mean 'yung pregnancy ko, ako kasi matagal ng abnormal e). Although I must admit, mas madalas akong magutom (Konsensya: Ooops, teka ano'ng bago? E kahit hindi ka pa buntis, patay gutom ka na e.).

Sabi ng iba, I should consider myself lucky for not having any pregnancy discomforts like morning sickness or food cravings or nausea. Oh-kay, thank God.

And tingin ko din naman, hindi ako papatulan ni Irvin kapag nag-iinarte ako. So huwag na nga lang. :)

positive!

5 AM, February 10, Tuesday. I am set for my fifth try on the home pregnancy kit. Am already a week delayed and I have already used four pregnancy kits, two of which are invalid (no lines, not indicating positive nor negative) and the other two have very faint positive lines.

Irvin says I am just denying the fact. But I just got to be sure.

Waiting for the result has been painful for me for the last 4 tests, I even cried. Why can't this damn thing just say what's the result, in plain black and white?

After two restless minutes, the two purple lines that will change my life appeared. (The other one still appears lighter than the other.)

Irvin woke up, asked about the test, kissed my tummy and smiled. Me? I took a bath, looked at the kit again. I was afraid that one line would magically disappear. It did not.

Positive…well, it's such a positive word.

Timeline

Although I still am unsure of the result (because one line appears lighter than the other), I have already let other people know my condition. I just don't want to be announcing it to the whole world before I get my first prenatal check-up.

February 4. Already two days delayed, thinking of taking a pregnancy test. Although I have already researched about this, I still asked my officemate, Dona, and Ate regarding taking the pregnancy test. First hand information is the best.

February 5. First take. Invalid. Tsk. Ate is eager to know the result, but sorry, no result yet.

February 6. Second take. Two faint, broken lines. Aaargh! Ate is still excited.

February 7. Third take. Invalid. Again. I wonder why can't it just tell if I am pregnant or not. I cried, Irvin wiped my tears (I really love this guy!). I told Nanay and she was excited, too. Irvin told Nana (my mother-in-law), with Bryann overhearing the story, about my condition. That night, Irvin told his best buddies - his brother Enald and cousins McLee and Lito - about it. I also consulted with my doctor-friend Ivy via text.

February 8. Fourth take. Weak positive. Two faint lines, although the other is darker. A glimpse of hope shone upon me. Nanay, though half-asleep, eagerly asked me about the result while blocking off Tatay. She wants Tatay to know the result when we are 100% sure of the result. I texted Irvin. His reply: Strong positive na 'yan.

February 9. No test today. Getting tired of waiting for the result. I asked my colleague Des about the testing, she suggested I take another and have a check-up with an OB. The clumsy me slipped right outside the RCBC building, it was a hard fall and I was stunned, thinking some blood would trickle down my legs just like what I see in the movies. I thank Karen, a Chevron colleague whom I do not know personally, for helping me get up and for accompanying me up to the shuttle terminal. Nanay told my Tatay about my suspected pregnancy. Irvin told his officemates, including our ninong and ninang Kuya Ento and Ate Joy.

February 10. Fifth take. Positive. Two visible lines, although one line is still lighter than the other. Told my Nanay and Tatay. Told my team leader Cherie and my Chevron friends JJ, Grace and Marie (by accident :P). I asked them not to spread the news yet, not until I get my first check-up. Told my highschool buddy Ivy and my nonbiological sister-in-law (and our cupid) Paula.

February 11. Told my AMASE-ing friends about my pregnancy.

February 14. Supposed to visit a doctor for a check-up, backed out because I just don't want the "feel" of hospital's ambiance.

February 15. My first prenatal check up with Dra. Jamir. Well, I asked the normal questions any first-time mothers would ask - my due date, foods to take and avoid, exercise. She checked my thyroid and my tummy, everything seems okay, she said. Discussed about my kidney stones. And then, spread the good news! I texted Ate, my highschool friends and Ate Lois.

In the next couple of days, we told our friends and families - my highschool friend Aileen, my college friends Debbie and Berna, our ninong and ninang Ate My and Kuya Art, my ex-SGV colleagues Jelly, Nico and Lorna, my ex-Chevron colleagues Sansu, Anne and Ching, my GL1 teammates, other Chevron colleagues slash friends Dona, Karlo, Russ, Debbie and Liza, Sheila and Aimee, Josette May and Anna, my boss in SG Matt, my overseas friends except for Geh - Geh, Nonoy, John and Leli, my li'l sis Joyce.

Thanks to those who congratulated us and sent their warm wishes. (To be continued...)