a surge of pregnancy hormones

Warning: Technically, I am a happy and optimistic person. I don't really know what prompted me to write this post, guess I just needed to spill the frustrations. If you're having a bad day, stop right here. If you're still interested, read on. But remember, you've been warned.

As most of you know, I am pregnant and on my 16th week tomorrow. And currently, I am on a bedrest. (But not right now, I am sitting in front of my desktop, writing this post. Hubby's at work and he would be scolding me upon learning that I've spent an hour or so out of the bed. I told you, I needed to get this out of my system.)

My scheduled prenatal check-up is December 21, which I cancelled because of the many files that sit at my workstation and need my immediate attention. When I woke up with a heavy feeling on the morning of December 23, I decided to take a leave and push through with my check-up. Unfortunately, my OB is already on her Christmas vacation and will be back on December 28. The holidays and weekend passed and December 28 came. Still, my OB is on vacation. Her assistant told me that she'll be back on January 4. That time, I needed to see an OB so that I can consult about the occasional pain that visits me irregularly before regular work resume on January 4 . Irvin and I contemplated on whom to consult. We went to an OB who refused to take me simply because I am from another OB. After so much considerations, we settled to consult with my former OB (we liked her, but not the hospital where she is a resident).

Believe me, that day is so stressful that I cried over it while sipping on Jollibee's Chocolate Frost Blend.

Sunday, January 3. We went for my check-up. My OB asked me to lie down while she feel my abdomen. She put out the gel, spread some on my abdomen and glided a gadget (I think that's the Doppler) over it. She stopped at a point in my right abdomen, and then, there it is. The loud, clear and magical sound of my baby's heartbeat. I was overwhelmed because I never heard it in my first pregnancy. But the oh-so-heavenly feeling was quickly snatched from me. She said that the cramp she felt in my abdomen might be a sign of early contractions. I asked what that means. She said that the uterus is already pushing the baby out, as if in a labor.

Sadly, my second pregnancy is "at risk" again.

For accountants like me, no period is ever busier than the year-end close which, in my case, will take place this coming week. I sent text messages to my colleague and team leader, and to my friends, to inform them of my situation.

For several days, PSP and books have been my constant companion. But the work-addict side of me always remind me of the work and colleagues I left in a demanding and difficult time. I feel guilty. Add to it a remark, sarcastic or not, that I just made a "proper timing" in taking a rest. Not reacting is just as hurtful as reacting negatively.

If they only knew how much I wanted to help.

I cried last night, while my husband is asleep. I said sorry to my baby, for feeling disheartened.

To those who raised their eyebrows upon learning that I took a leave during a hectic period, I wish that my situation won't happen to you. I wish that your carefully planned pregnancies won't end up in miscarriage or in another "at risk" pregnancy. Because it is much harder to juggle between your bread-and-butter and the family you would love to build than to perform year-end closing of a company's financial books.

To those who expressed their sympathy and are silently praying for me, thanks a lot for your support. May God's blessings pour out to you and to your family.

To my family (including Irvin's), whose neverending love touches me, even if you're halfway around the world, with so much gratitude.

To God who is my strength, even in those times I have taken you for granted.

To my readers, sorry for a not-so-happy post for a supposedly-happy-new-year. I hate it that my first post for 2010 is this. I hope you understand, writing is one of my life's channels.