Forrest Gump's mom always say: Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get.
Indeed, life is full of surprises. And it surprised me three weeks ago.
I thought everything was okay with my pregnancy and I felt lucky not to have those annoying pregnancy discomforts. This was my announcement on my March 2 post. Three days after, I had some spotting which did not bother me since the spotting was just slight and I did not feel anything bad or weird. The spotting continued the next day (March 6, Friday), so I asked my mommy colleagues about the spotting and they advised me to call my OB and take a lot of rest. Heeding their advice, I called up my OB and she ask me to undergo ultrasound the next day. That night, I cancelled my plan for Saturday - to watch Eraserheads' The Final Set.
I went to my scheduled ultrasound and learned that my baby was small, estimated to be just six weeks old (I was already almost 9 weeks that time) with no heartbeat yet. I was sad. And confused. But full of hope.
I presented the result to my OB when I went for a check-up the next day. My due date was moved from October 12 to November 2. My OB explained my condition and suggested a week-long bedrest. She gave me medicine and reminded me to rest well for me to be able to save the baby. The coming week was supposed to be a very busy week for me, but with my baby's life on the line, I needed to take a break from work. I sighed and sent a text to my Team Leader. She immediately called me up and I told her my condition. Good thing, I already started my turnover to my colleague-friend JJ last week.
Monday was okay. I spent my whole day on the bed, standing up only to eat and to go to the toilet and the bathroom.
And then that fateful Tuesday.
I woke up early to pee and noticed that the spotting is not just slight and that there was a hint of blood. The spotting was heavy throughout the morning and around 11 AM onwards, there came a gush of blood whenever I pee. Cramps and lower back pain set on me. I asked Irvin to go home, I know he could do nothing about my situation but I just needed him by my side.
When I saw a lump of blood, that's when I sighed and told myself to accept the possibilities. I gave out a desperate cry, I saw my mother cry, too, and I noticed the sadness in Irvin's eyes. I called up my OB and told me to go to the hospital. Around 3 PM, at the hospital, I went through some laboratory tests and trans-v ultrasound. When my mother asked the sonologist about the baby's condition, she did not answer. I prepared myself for the bad news.
The doctor at the ER called up my OB and told her of the results. And then he broke the news to me.
I lost my baby.
My OB met me in a few minutes after, checked me up and explained to me the need for the procedure called D&C (dilation and curettage) to remove the remaining contents of the uterus. I was scheduled to undergo that procedure at 7:30 PM. While waiting, a flood of thoughts and emotions crowded me. Blank moments filled my being with sorrow so I always do something to busy myself - chat, text, chat, text.
I was brought to the OR at 7:30. The anesthesiologist said he will be giving me anesthesia to make me sleep and to make my lower extremities numb. I asked, "Doc, promise po, wala akong mararamdaman?" And then I dozed off.
I remember the doctors talking to me and me nodding "okay" to whatever they were saying. It was like a dream sequence, I was frantically wanting to wake up only to find myself being pulled to sleep whenever I try to open my eyes. I feared being not able to open my eyes again, I felt as if I will be falling into an ocean-deep slumber for a few years. They were pulling me out of the recovery room when I saw Irvin. And then, I dozed off again.
I woke up a couple of times during the night, but I really don't remember anything except for the numbness in the lower part of my body and Irvin on my side. I was fully awake by 2 AM. The anesthesia has already wore off.
Nanay and Tatay came in early to replace Irvin so he can do some errands needed for my hospitalization. Ate called me up that morning. My OB visited me. Irvin arrived at around 3 PM and arranged for my release papers. My MIL, with Kishie, and my friend Agnes visited me at home. My head was aching by the time I bid Agnes goodbye, I needed to rest.
Tomorrow's another day, I said as I put myself to sleep. Hopefully, a happy one.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
the dark days of my simple life
Sunday, March 8, 2009
no regrets
10 million fans. Only 100,000 will witness.
This is the tagline of Eraserhead's concert "The Final Set", the part two, and as Ely said, the last, of their reunion.
Eraserheads was 1990's most prominent band and for me, they were the ones who started the invasion of most rock bands of their time, giving a new sound to Pinoy rock. I was in highschool then, and just like most girls who giggles at the sight of their crushes, I was addicted to Ely and Eraserheads. I loved listening to their music (thanks to my sister for buying their albums), I loved buying songbooks, scribbling Ely's name on my notes. Yeah, very highschool-ish.
I love them. I am among the 10 million fans, which also includes my sister, my husband and a lot of friends.
And I was supposed to be among the 100,000 who will witness their final gig set last night, Saturday.
I had spotting since last Thursday, I was worried and much to my sadness, I backed out Friday night and told my good friend Agnes to sell my and my husband's tickets.
Saturday afternoon, I underwent trans-v ultrasound and found out that my baby has no heartbeat yet. It's not easy to receive news like that, you know. I mean, how can that happen? All this time, I thought I am perfectly carrying my baby well. Well, maybe it's just too early, or maybe baby is still too small to have his heartbeat be detected. I will be undergoing the same procedure again next week. And I am thinking positive, his heartbeat will be detected by that machine.
Saturday night until Sunday morning, I just rested, watched TV and ate. Agnes and I are currently exchanging text messages about the concert last night. Sigh.
No regrets, baby, just be okay.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
pizza for...who?!
Super love namin ni Irvin ang Yellow Cab. Comfort food ko 'to usually kapag OT ako. Kapag sinundo ako ni Irvin after a hard day's work, we would sometimes dine at Yellow Cab Macapagal kahit na antok na antok na kami (mas mahalaga ang pagkain kesa sa tulog :P). Buti na lang 24-hours open 'yun. Standard order na namin ang isang 10-inch pizza at Charlie Chan pasta, Sola Lemon at Diet Coke (now Viva Mineral Water), walang palya.
Irvin: Irvin.
Cashier issues receipt. Ang pangalan na nasa resibo: Oervin.
Irvin: Irvin.
Minsan, sa inis ni Irvin gusto na nyang sabihin na ang pangalan nya ay EVERYONE para kapag tinawag na...the weekend that was feb 28-mar 1
Saturday. Maaga akong nagising para manood ng Salamat Dok, giving birth kasi ang topic. Hindi na ako sumama manood ng basketball game ni Irvin kasi naka-motor lang siya, nagpahatid na lang ako sa amin . Ayuuun, natalo tuloy sila (wala ang swerteng buntis e). Okey naman, normal Saturday lang. Ayos ng gamit, chat with Nanay, chat with Tatay, TV TV TV, PSP. Late na akong nakatulog, ang daldal kasi ni Nanay e.
the weekend that was feb 21-23: overdue
Saturday. Nanood ulit ako ng game ni Irvin. Malas ang laro nya pero panalo pa din. Nakachikahan ko din si Cyril at ang story behind his brand new Lancer MX. Hinatid na ko ni Irvin. Kasal ngayon ni Pinsan Lito, preggy din ang misis nya. Actually, apat silang puro preggy ang mga partners (sayang, si Mac din sana). The usual Saturday ritual - plantsa, TV, PSP. (Nami-miss ko na din palang magbasa. Yes!, Cosmo at ung weekly pregnancy calendar na lang ang nababasa ko lately.)
Sunday. Chat with Ate and the kids. Uwi sa Tanza later that day. Gave Kishie her birthday gift - an Elmo dress (na hindi kasya) na binili namin last Friday sa MOA.
Monday. Wasn't feeling well that morning, hindi naman morning sickness. Nahilo lang siguro pagbangon. Since hindi pa naman nalo-load 'yung gagawin ko, I decided to take a leave. Nakakahiya lang kasi hindi planned, buti na lang pumayag si TL. Natulog ulit ako. Nagpa-set up ng laptop pagkagising. Nadala pala ni Ate ung cable kaya bumili pa si Irvin. Kaya lang, ayun lang, ayaw gumana ng smartbadge reader. Ilang beses ko ni-try, pati si Irvin nakisawsaw din. Wala! Nood na lang kami ng Oscars. Nanood din kami ng Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the nth time, pagkatapos patulugin si Kishie.
Nilagnat si Irvin after nyang maligo. Bakit kaya? Nagchi-chill siya nung gabi. Kaso ayaw nya naman ako palapitin sa kanya kasi baka mahawa ako :(
Monday, March 2, 2009
on my 8th week and...
I'm on my 8th week now and well, nasa deadma mode pa din ang baby ko, as in hindi nagpaparamdam. Minsan natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung normal ba ako (I mean 'yung pregnancy ko, ako kasi matagal ng abnormal e). Although I must admit, mas madalas akong magutom (Konsensya: Ooops, teka ano'ng bago? E kahit hindi ka pa buntis, patay gutom ka na e.).
Sabi ng iba, I should consider myself lucky for not having any pregnancy discomforts like morning sickness or food cravings or nausea. Oh-kay, thank God.
And tingin ko din naman, hindi ako papatulan ni Irvin kapag nag-iinarte ako. So huwag na nga lang. :)
