the dark days of my simple life

Forrest Gump's mom always say: Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get.

Indeed, life is full of surprises. And it surprised me three weeks ago.

I thought everything was okay with my pregnancy and I felt lucky not to have those annoying pregnancy discomforts. This was my announcement on my March 2 post. Three days after, I had some spotting which did not bother me since the spotting was just slight and I did not feel anything bad or weird. The spotting continued the next day (March 6, Friday), so I asked my mommy colleagues about the spotting and they advised me to call my OB and take a lot of rest. Heeding their advice, I called up my OB and she ask me to undergo ultrasound the next day. That night, I cancelled my plan for Saturday - to watch Eraserheads' The Final Set.

I went to my scheduled ultrasound and learned that my baby was small, estimated to be just six weeks old (I was already almost 9 weeks that time) with no heartbeat yet. I was sad. And confused. But full of hope.

I presented the result to my OB when I went for a check-up the next day. My due date was moved from October 12 to November 2. My OB explained my condition and suggested a week-long bedrest. She gave me medicine and reminded me to rest well for me to be able to save the baby. The coming week was supposed to be a very busy week for me, but with my baby's life on the line, I needed to take a break from work. I sighed and sent a text to my Team Leader. She immediately called me up and I told her my condition. Good thing, I already started my turnover to my colleague-friend JJ last week.

Monday was okay. I spent my whole day on the bed, standing up only to eat and to go to the toilet and the bathroom.

And then that fateful Tuesday.

I woke up early to pee and noticed that the spotting is not just slight and that there was a hint of blood. The spotting was heavy throughout the morning and around 11 AM onwards, there came a gush of blood whenever I pee. Cramps and lower back pain set on me. I asked Irvin to go home, I know he could do nothing about my situation but I just needed him by my side.

When I saw a lump of blood, that's when I sighed and told myself to accept the possibilities. I gave out a desperate cry, I saw my mother cry, too, and I noticed the sadness in Irvin's eyes. I called up my OB and told me to go to the hospital. Around 3 PM, at the hospital, I went through some laboratory tests and trans-v ultrasound. When my mother asked the sonologist about the baby's condition, she did not answer. I prepared myself for the bad news.

The doctor at the ER called up my OB and told her of the results. And then he broke the news to me.

I lost my baby.

My OB met me in a few minutes after, checked me up and explained to me the need for the procedure called D&C (dilation and curettage) to remove the remaining contents of the uterus. I was scheduled to undergo that procedure at 7:30 PM. While waiting, a flood of thoughts and emotions crowded me. Blank moments filled my being with sorrow so I always do something to busy myself - chat, text, chat, text.

I was brought to the OR at 7:30. The anesthesiologist said he will be giving me anesthesia to make me sleep and to make my lower extremities numb. I asked, "Doc, promise po, wala akong mararamdaman?" And then I dozed off.

I remember the doctors talking to me and me nodding "okay" to whatever they were saying. It was like a dream sequence, I was frantically wanting to wake up only to find myself being pulled to sleep whenever I try to open my eyes. I feared being not able to open my eyes again, I felt as if I will be falling into an ocean-deep slumber for a few years. They were pulling me out of the recovery room when I saw Irvin. And then, I dozed off again.

I woke up a couple of times during the night, but I really don't remember anything except for the numbness in the lower part of my body and Irvin on my side. I was fully awake by 2 AM. The anesthesia has already wore off.

Nanay and Tatay came in early to replace Irvin so he can do some errands needed for my hospitalization. Ate called me up that morning. My OB visited me. Irvin arrived at around 3 PM and arranged for my release papers. My MIL, with Kishie, and my friend Agnes visited me at home. My head was aching by the time I bid Agnes goodbye, I needed to rest.

Tomorrow's another day, I said as I put myself to sleep. Hopefully, a happy one.