the two sides of the story

I am kind of back to blogging and bloghopping. My head still aches whenever I am in front of the desktop or the laptop for long hours so I think I still need to rest from time to time (in fact, I started composing this post since last week). My out-of-office note says I am on "medical leave" eventhough I am officially on maternity leave. I just find it awkward and I don't like people asking me how is my baby when I come back on May.

I realized I have so many thoughts to share and people to thank.

Disclosures

Personally, I think I am recovering well - physically and emotionally. Well, except for the slight headaches I experience when using the computer or reading or PSP-ing for long hours, I don't feel any discomforts. I've already gone to Makati, Tagaytay and SM Bacoor and did a little shopping, working at the office and at home and ironing clothes. I am planning to do some briskwalking soon. My folks don't really approve of what I do, but since they know how hard it is for me to just sit down and do nothing, they let me do my thing and just remind me not to exhaust myself too much.

Losing a baby is not just frustrating, it is accompanied by a range of sentiments - shock, guilt, anguish and a sense of failure. I kept on blaming myself for what happened. I learned that not just because I feel okay means nothing is wrong. I worried about the announcement I made to family and friends just a few weeks before. I dealt with a lot of worries. I wondered why it happened to me while there are so many unplanned yet successful pregnancies. I felt I failed many people, most especially my family and my husband. My first, carefully planned pregnancy, was a letdown.

Gratefully, acceptance had not been an obscurity. Thanks to Irvin, and to my family and friends who gave me enough moral pillars where I can lean on.

I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, I may not know it yet, but I know there is a good rationale for this. I did not run away from pain, had myself feel it and then let it go. And as always, I believed that God has better plans for me than what I have for myself.

In just a few days, I can already let out a sincere, hearty laugh.

Hope has never eluded me, all those times.

Thankfulness

Your strength had been the constant reminder that we will survive the storms of life. The sadness in your eyes had been easily replaced with optimism and hope which you shared to me. For patiently standing by me, sacrificing hours of sleep and making me laugh even when the situations calls for some tears...thank you, Irvin.

For crying with me and reminding me the greatest lesson out of this experience, that is, to accept the things which I can't change...thank you, Nanay and Tatay. (As the Cow said in the movie Babe: The only way you'll find happiness is to accept that the way things are is the way things are.)

For the motherly/sisterly advice, the inspiring stories of those people you know who went through the same encounter, the desperate desire to travel halfway across the globe to be by my side, the old wives' tales on post-miscarriage (hahanginin daw ang ulo ko...scary, hehe!). I still cry when I read your text messages, and you should know, you made me cry the most...thank you, Ate.

For the effort you exerted in texting me and calling me (I know this is hard for you, hehe!), just to let me know if I'm okay, salamat friend and supposed-to-be Ninang, Dra. Ivy Avilla (and now you're back to deadma mode!).

I know that thanking you is not enough for your backing me up on my workload and your understanding and kind words, but still I thank you, JJ. You really are friendship defined.

For helping Irvin with my PhilHealth and SSS documents...thank you, Marie. (I remember what Irvin told me when he met you, JJ and Grace: Sobrang lungkot nga nila e, nahihiya nga ako kasi ako pa 'yung nakangiti...)

Your visit meant so much, thanks, Friendship Nes! And for sending me your sincere sympathy, thanks to my friends around the world - Mhay (Texas), Leng (Darwin), Sarah (Guam), Aleli and John (Riyadh), Geh (Cavite City, local lang ito) and Nonoy "The Jinx" (Dubai).

For the chikas which made me forget that I just had a miscarriage, thanks Hips!

For the sympathy, support and thoughtfulness: to my second family, the Estacions; to my OB, Dra. Jamir; to my Chevron colleagues (and text messaging and Facebook) - Ms. Cherie, Des, Karlo, Rocelle (Resource Person #1 on Spotting), Bell (Resource Person #2 on Spotting), Grace, Joy, Russ, Peewee and Debbie; to my blogging friends, Sol, Kathy and Memae; to Ate Beth and my Ate's in-laws for the visit; to my highschool berks Mavel and Arvie; to my college berks Debbie and Berna; and to all those whom I forgot to mention (hehehe!).

And thanks and praises to God who gave me the people I mentioned above, for without them, moving on will not be easy. You gave me the ultimate comfort, the greatest hope, and the heart to try again.

These are the two sides of my story: letting go and moving on.

Woohooo!